Right now, I am enjoying, nay, SAVORING what I'm dubbing, my "Last Supper." Its a 10 pm snack of the BEST clear seal oil and nice chewey puugmiitaq (dried seal, soaked in oil). Shoot, I'm even eating the Uqsruq at the bottom! I went to EZ Mart, I ate a burrito, WITH CHEESE, I ate TWO pilot bread crackers, and I'm seriously rummaging through my pantry for MORE things to eat.
No, I'm not pregnant. Or on my period. (TMI? Too bad.)
Drumroll please...I'm going on a diet. Seriously. Oh my God. I totally blogged about a diet. Am I running out of things to talk about?! All my kids are gone, and I'm taking care of two toddlers who have a simple routine, so YES, I ran out of things to talk about!
But, thanks to Angie (I WILL be calling you at midnight when I'm jonesing for some chips) I'm starting a 30 day program. Now, NORMALLY I would die first, then diet in Hell. I'm. Not. Kidding. I'd rather cut off my left tit than go on a diet. BUT...I've noticed a few things since turning 30.
One...I can't eat whatever the heck I want to. Not that I COULD anyway, but I nursed my kids long after other people do. Hey, I'm an Eskimo, what can I say?! They kept the fat off me, and on the kid. No, I'm not choking your chain here, my daughter weighed 36 lbs at SIX MONTHS old...and never gained weight until age three. See...full fat nursing diet! I was positively skinny!
(See...pretty gross huh...this was about four years ago)
Two...even though we have been walking for two months, I look EXACTLY the same. This walking for an hour doesn't do crap but give you mosquito bites on your thigh.
Three...simply walking past the workout equiptment and DVD's of all fanny lifting nature, won't help you lose weight. I even tried rubbing the elliptical. It didn't work. Dammit.
Anyway, the REAL reason I'm doing this (Its not cause of the $150 bet my husband and I made to see who could lose the most inches either) is cause I play sports. I semi-enjoy basketball. I love softball. And, if you don't know me, I don't want to sound like a braggart, but I can hit a ball. But even IF I can hit a ball over heads and to the fence...I ONLY MAKE IT TO SECOND BASE. SERIOUSLY! Its quite a sad and pathetic thing to watch.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY happy person. I am in a great marriage, I don't tend to compare myself or my weight to others, I simply am happy now. Apparently being happily married makes you fat. I can dig it. BUT, to hit the ball over the head of the left fielder, plenty far enough to score a homerun and make it to second, I decided I needed to get rid of at least ONE of my asses, and this monster truck spare tire. I'd settle for a doughnut spare and one big butt.
Hold on, while I eat a few more bites of this blackmeat....
Hhmmmmmm, mmmmm....that is so good. The only, and I mean ONLY bad thing, is that I ran out of blackmeat in my inside-closest-to-me kitchen and don't want to get anymore from the shop freezers. Yeah, I'm too lazy to get more food to gorge myself on. Sigh...OOOH...another reason to go on a diet. CAUSE I'M LAZY! Yeah, very.
So, I have been researching diets. Did you know that if you drink a tea made with cow manure and green tea leaves, you can lose 10 lbs in 2 days???! I bet it works too, cause I'd be throwing up knowing I'm eating Cow crap.
I can't do the Atkins cause I'm a meat/potato girl. I can't go all organic, vegetarian or vegan, cause I live in the ARCTIC...people can't just walk on over to the local farmers market, WE CAN'T EVEN GROW TREES, how are we supposed to grow spinach?! I can't go gluten free, or anything like that, well, you know...arctic excuse again. (Another good Arctic Excuse, "I need this extra fat to keep me warm in the winter" Sure it was needed a hundred years ago, but now we pay seven bucks a gallon to stay warm in our houses!)
SO, I have a friend who's been on this 30 day diet with her husband. She is NOT excercising, (I would be, I promise) and he is not either, but together they have lost over FIFTY pounds on it. FIFTY....like my LEG! She's gone from a size SIXTEEN to a loose size TWELVE. FOUR sizes. And if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd be completely skeptical. But I've seen the light man, I've seen the light.
(If YOU want to see the light, check out my website and YOU too can be a part of it. Right now there is a special going on until August 10th, membership is free if you order a program. Comment if you have questions!)
OK, this is getting pathetic, I just literally LICKED my plate. LICKED it clean like a starving person. And vacuum sucked the cracker crumbs. I sucked that seal oil down like some broth from some soup and let me tell you it was GOOD!
My plate is clean, my mind is open, and my will power is ready. I've cut and frozen banana's to mix with the cleanse shakes and I'm READY TO GO.
Now if only there was no side effect of burping seal oil, I'd be good to go. Oh well, tomorrow morning, Chocolate/Banana Shake with a side of seal oil burps, HERE I COME!
After my first shake this morning, I'd say its a little like this: Aroma's of high chocolate, with a slight waft of banana and a mildly chalky undertone. Pretty good by my standards. Chalk? I LOVE a chalky undertone, I'm a conversation heart, wintergreen mints loving, tums eating girl!
I thought, "8 oz...that's not enough to sustain me for the day." But after blending 8 oz with about ten ice cubes and my half a banana, its a full on 20 oz drink! And since I NEVER ate breakfast anyway, I'm getting a free meal! It was like drinking a milkshake for breakfast! So far, I'm LOVING day one!
Now, I have to stop, because Angie (the Nazi Weightloss Consultant) is making me take measurements. Lets all hope that measuring tape is long enough!