Friday, October 31, 2008

Freaky Friday!

YAY, its Halloween! YAY, its Friday! YAY, I found a costume. Or, scratch that, I made a costume! So for those of you who are too "cool" (read:lame) to dress up, you're not fooling anyone with that potato sack/pillowcase combo treat case, or your bed sheet/ghost costume! Live a little, get creative! Even up here in the frigid arctic we still have T-minus four hours and you’re still waffling on the costume front (French maid or Jehovah’s Witness?). Just remember that this isn't the Lion's Club Dance! Its a place of happy, blissful employment, so dress accordingly! (There’s so much cleavage in this room, I’m getting the boo-bies.) Here are a few vocabulary words we came across...

candy rapper(n). The smooth-talking little kid who “trades” with all the other kids for the best loot.

costomb(n). The overcoat you inevitably have to wear every year, which totally kills your costume.

monster mesh (n). The effect of too-tight fishnets.

tramplify(v). When you decide to go as yourself, only sluttier.

vampire weekend(n). The massive 48-hour hangover that comes from attending too many Halloween parties.

veepie crawler(n). One of the hundreds of Sarah Palin/Tina Fey costumes you’ll spot this year.

wee-atch(n). That ho who copied your cool costume.

wicked witch(n). Just a regular witch. Including those who you work with...

Yah, Vote for me!
I'm number one

Can I smile any bigger? Probably not...
Scary Mary
Photos courtesy of she has even better ones, check them out!

Happy Halloween everyone and good luck with the kiddos tonight. Me (I'm a Fortune Teller for work, made that too), Kaisa (logger) and Clara (Alice in Wonderland) will be at the Halloween Carnival spending way too much money on crappy junk! Yay.

Monday, October 27, 2008

What's in a name?

So, yeah... I went to my ver un-favorite restaurant this weekend with my sister and the load of kids we decided to take care of on Saturday. Ugh, what can I say? It was pleasantly disappointing. Wait, what am I saying? You can only be disappointed if you're expecting something wonderful...or even mundane. So, I guess it was exactly what I was waiting for.

Don't ask me why we continue to go to this restaurant. I mean,'ll be the worst date you never had! ha.

If you don't know me, I am a foodie. I mean, aside from my kids, family and work, food is the next on my list. Hence the extra large jeans and shirts I've been toting around over all this extra padding come time for winter.

If you've never been a big watcher of cooking shows and your grasp of the food world is a little hazy. Then this place is for you. We have exactly two restaurants to choose from, and if you're not from round here, they're easy to find...they're next door to each other. Hmm, do I want chinese, or chinese with a dot of american?

People. Cooking is not hard to do. Please don't serve me reheated mongolian beef and fried rice. Just make some new stuff. When has chicken chow mein taken two minutes to make and chicken nuggets taken fifteen? Oh, and seriously, take some customer service classes. Here's a converstation I had:

Me (poor unsuspecting customer): Hi, Uhm, this really doesn't taste right. its cold in the middle and hot on the outside...and its really creamy. Mongolian beef isn't creamy.
Me: Uhm, no thanks. Can I just get a BLT?
her: NO YOU EAT.
me: NO! I don't want this. it tastes awful, just bring me some water then or soemthing!
me: compRain? you mean Complain?! Can you just bring me a BLT?
her: I NO BLING YOU BE-ER-TEE, you eat Mongorian beef!
me: I am NOT EATING THIS. UGH. Nevermind, I don't want anything.

Yeah, that was an over exaggeration, but still, that is what we deal with every time we go to the-restaurant-that-shall-remain-unnamed. But it rhymes with Shnayshnide.

Hurry up Elsa and get your degree so I can quit my job and offer everyone here what they deserve. A nice hot HOMECOOKED meal for a reasonable price...reasonable enough to keep us profitable and reasonable enough not to break the bank when you and your hubby and kids want to go out for a nice dinner and you only make $15 an hour.

SO...what, you ask, would we serve?! Here's my idea... ANYTHING is better than what we've got! ha...not to say we won't dazzle all you qikiqtagrugmiuts with our culinary style and expertise. Here is a mock up of what we'd do...

mock menu

P.S. the restaurant is called Katak's in my dreams! (Named for my grandmother...oh and me!)

Open for lunch and dinner only, with espresso and homebaked scones, muffins and the sort for breakfast goers, we'll offer contemporary mixed with traditional Northern Alaska fare: Grilled Caribou with Feta and Rosemary, Roast Beef Sandwiches with cole slaw, Wild Ptarmigan Casserole.

Don't forget! If anyone wants to donate to the Katak's business, please send your check or money order to... ME! PO Box 1350, Kotzebue, AK 99752.

Since this is a two to three year dream, those of you who eat regularly at the-restaurant-that-shall-remain-unnamed maybe need to meditate and get a hold of that inner chef and learn your way around a kitchen. Especially now that its the holiday season...

You may be just in time for that big bird.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Clara and Kaisa with their celebrity from the mattress ranch!

kaisa and Clara Mattress Ranch

Mad Mats

It’s do or die. The dog pees on it. You walk all over it. You spill wine on it. Your puppies crap on it. And dust bunnies love it. Not to mention all that awesome filth that flies through the air during a Kotzebue Summer and lands smack dab on it.

Your rug has every reason to be mad. But, not as mad as ME.

When we moved into our house (our grand ole house, which happens to be my third grade classroom, I'd like to give a shout-out to Mrs. Hogan, Whats up Mrs. Hogan!) that tannish dirt colored rug was all I had to worry about. Oh was I mistaken. If you've been to my house, you will see the awesome plethora of rugs in which you may choose to run your tootsies through.

One: Tan flavored dirty skin colored living room rug
Two: Hard as concrete, industrial blue in Kaisa's room
Three: Crusty light blue circa 1980 shag in Koy's room
Four: Plastic Smelling, brand new from the roll at KIC, blue "plush" on the stairs
Five: Even harder, industrial leftover from a construction job blue in the B&B
Six: Don't know what flavor, bland gray=blue walked all over, dusty in my bedroom

As you can see, we were pegged the Rug people for a reason. I know contractors use the leftovers, but seriously, just because they're all blue doesn't mean they match! SO...we're looking for a new rug! One color to replace everything. Possibly some fake hardwood flooring from Lowes in the kids rooms, but really, we need a new rug in the living room.

If my rug had feelings, it would hate me. Or, strike that, it would hate my puppies! (Not that I LOVE them right now) The last time I was out of town, the
little preciouses decided to have a party, and I wasn't invited. They crapped everywhere, and thre the garbage around like no one's business. Everything that could stain the rug was tossed on the rug. So, if you're ever in need of a sensory experience, come on over and sniff our rug. You'll smell wine, BBQ sauce, rotten food, some ketchup and most importantly, dog doo. As you can see. My rug and me, we've had it. We're ready to part ways and send him on to the rug heaven in the sky. Any rug that has gone through that much anguish, and THREE dogs being housetrained deserves nothing better then to be rolled up and laid to rest somewhere at camp.

In closing, someone tell me where I can get some rug help...oh, and enjoy my puppy picture. :) This is Shockey, number one pooper.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Thirsty Thursday...

Yo ho ho and a bottle of WINE! Yay, its Thirsty Thursday and am I in for a treat! My husband (worlds best) came back from Seattle just in time to contribute to my deliquencies of drinking a fine red wine while watching Grey’s Anatomy on the boob tube.

I knew, just KNEW it was time to enjoy myself. I’ve been a yucky mess the past couple of days, and OH, was my body telling me something? I don’t know, but I can tell you this, my headache went away just thinking of uncorking that smooth red velvety Markham Merlot (2006). I assure you it was not the daring dose of two gulps of cherry Nyquil and four Advil Liqui-Gels that made my headache go away, it was thinking of that wine!

My palette is just itching to get some. My body is going through withdrawals not watching Grey’s for two weeks straight. Thank GOD for iTunes!

Well folks, its harvest time. The rolling hills, green pastures and rows of grapevines blend with ancient castles for the ultimate French country wine. The sweet smell of fermentation awaits, its aroma will permeate my entire living room. (Not to mention mask the stank of two puppies TRYING to be housetrained)

Wine with Paulette

Paulette and I love wine. I love Red, she loves White. We’re different but alike. I love my friend Paulette! Here is our wine from a recent trip together.

Why? You ask, why do I write about wine?! OK, so this morning, I had to drag my lifeless body out of bed, clean up the puppies, take the kids to school and go to work. Well, when I opened up my emails, I had FIVE, count `em, FIVE emails about wine. “Maija, you’ll LOVE our newest Merlot!” from, Bed, Bath and Beyond sends me their love in a discounted wine cabinet. Then a few more ubiquitous emails from my friends reminding me of the weekly evening festivities, wine and Grey’s. Man I love my friends. OK, lastly I write about wine, because it’s a little difficult to get wine here in Kotzebue. I belong to two wine clubs, Vinesse and Wine Styles in Anchorage. Winestyles I have to pick up in Anchorage, but because I pick it up, I often end up getting four extra bottles of mellow and silky for my drinking pleasures.

Vinesse sends me their love monthly in the form of one white and one red wine. They send UPS, and I have to damn near take a breathalyzer test for the UPS Man to deliver my two bottle quota per month. It states specifically on the box, “Do NOT deliver to intoxicated person.” So, yeah, me and the UPS guy have an awesome relationship.

“Oh Hi, you’re home! Are you drunk?”
“No, of course not, its only three in the afternoon…”
“Oh, well sometimes I’m drunk at three in the afternoon.”
“Well not me, where do I sign.”
“Are you sure your not drunk?”
“Can I smell your breath?”
“No. Just give me my box!”

I’ll drink to that!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Stuff White People Like

Seeing as though I'm exactly 50% white, I consider myself white when its convenient. So, I was searching the ominous internet last night and found this site...
Are you tired of wondering what to bring to that dinner party?*
Or which Broadway show*
to take your friend from Seattle*
to? Desperate for a blog*
with answers to these questions?

Well, search no more, friends. Introducing: Stuff White People Like.
Stuff White People Like is the only website devoted entirely to stuff that white people like!

Enjoy educational articles* on items such as coffee,* expensive sandwiches,* dogs,* and ’80s nights.*

Each entry includes a brief description of the item and why white people love it so much.
You’ll also gain insight into the behaviors of white people — for example, their fondness for difficult breakups: “Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long term relationships that end very poorly.”

With inside info like this, it’s hard not to like the site — especially if you’re a white person.*
(*White people love all these things and footnotes.)

Available online at

Cool. After lollygagging through it, I've somewhat decided that I really DO like a lot of the stuff in there. I guess since I'm white, I technically fit into that category. But, what about people who aren't white who fit into that category?! What, dare say, do we do with them?! Where can THEY go to find out about things they like?!

I think my next blog startup will be called, "Stuff Natives like..." And it'll include things like, Seal Intestines, R&R, Fireweed, and Honda's. Coming soon!

Here's what I dog. So, I guess that technically is part of the "white people" in me!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Bung GLOW!

I stole this from one of my past blogs...I think it was on myspace. haha...oh the memories!

So, I got this email a few months ago…I don't know why I was on the list…nor do I know what to say except just to tell you what happened…

Maija H. Lukin, GET YOURS TODAY! ..South Beach Skin Solutions Lightening Gel

I figure that something like that is for dark spots on your hands…maybe even for Fake-n-bakers who happen to have a darker spot on their body…around their fingernails, something… I was wrong. I was SO wrong...

I made the mistake of clicking on the link. (
Perfect for use on:
Both Men and Women
All Skin, Especially the Anal & Genital Areas
Breasts, Nipples, Underarms, Faces, Age Spots
Other Skin Discolorations
Absorbs Quickly and Dries Cleanly in Seconds!
No Oily or Sticky Feeling!

As more people discover bikini waxing, the more we need to pay attention to how we look once the hair is removed. South Beach Skin Solutions-- Lightening Gel for Sensitive Areas is the ultimate in safe, gentle and effective natural lightening for the anal, vaginal, breast, underarm, face and other sensitive areas. Unlike cheap drug store skin lighteners, our specially-formulated Lightening Gel for Sensitive Areas is very gentle and does not contain any potentially harmful or irritating chemicals such as Kojic Acid or Hydroquinone. Who would put that on a sensitive area!
South Beach Skin Solutions has developed a lightening Gel that is safe for your "sensitive area!"

(No I have not tried it)

This natural product will give your bunghole a "fresher, more youthful look. I didn't even know "Cheap drug store's" made genital skin lighteners. I wonder what all the Eskimo's would think…Apparently, it has come to my attention that it is not longer acceptable for your bunghole to be…well, brown. Who the heck made the determination that I needed this product in northern Alaska???

They claim you'll see results in just a few weeks…or else you can get your money back…consider it your Ace in the Hole!


AND so, lucky for you fans, I'm going to post a picture of my very own "brown eye..." Or hazel, or whatever... haha...


When Berry met Sally...

OK, after a tumultuous year, and some non-blogging by your's truely, I'm baaAAaack!

Exciting yeah? So, I won't make an excuses as to why I haven't written in a while. Lets just say that I was busy/lazy. For all you three followers who religiously read my sarcastic rants and raves about various life complications. I swear I'm going to try to be better at writing every day. I'll even include some pictures if I can figure out how to steal them off other people's sites, or get them off my camera too!

I better get to work. Here's a picture to enjoy...its Kaisa. Summer favorite!
Kaisa Reese