Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The start of something new...
Oh Lord give me the strength to go on.
So, last night, my 13 year old son "graduated" from the 8th grade. In certain pomp and circumstance, he glided by me as I furiously snapped photos of him and his friends. I did not cry, no, I didn't. But, this is new for not only me, but our whole family.
Because Koy is the ONLY boy we have. He was born into a barbie-playing-tea-party household anchored by a Scandinavian Father/Grandfather who was gone most of the time, enjoying his solitary days at camp. Where it was quiet. And he could fart when he wanted to. And it was quiet.
My boy had his hair fixed thanks to his aunts craziness, which ultimately forced me to CUT it, and cry. Yes, I cried when I cut my son's hair. I'm a girl.
And the poor thing prayed and wished every time one of us was pregnant that it might be a boy. To no avail...we had all girls. Shoot, when I married Dean, he was SO HAPPY that he just had another guy to round out the family. Luckily for him, Dean came with two kids of his own, and in OUR little family, we have exactly the same number of boys to girls. A good ratio as far as he's concerned. I guess they think they have some leverage being equal at our house. But, sadly...they're mistaken!
I tell people that he'll have a great sense of a woman when he "gets to that age..." Which won't be for another ten years. (or so I told myself until last night.) (HEY, I can WISH RIGHT?)
After the long ceremony of walking as fast as they could, not stopping for the required photographs by family of all ages, and rushing to sit down, facing away from all of us paparazzi pushing and shoving to get a good photo, he invited some friends over for pizza.
It was me and six teenage boys. OH MY GOSH, please start praying for us. I pretended to be on Facebook while they played Modern Warfare and watched Family Guy (OK, now, let me explain, that was the first and ONLY TIME that Family Guy will EVER be watched at our house. Ick. And Modern Warfare? I have a husband, what can I say?) and talked. To each other. About GIRLS.
I almost threw up. Not because it was bad, or gross, or even disrespectful. But because my thirteen year old son was talking about girls...GIRLS. YOU DON'T understand.
I thought for SURE he wasn't interested yet. I mean, he's technically supposed to be in the 7th grade, and I didn't do anything in the 7th grade. And, he's just an awkward boy when girls talk to him. He stares off into space, he closes his eyes to make them go away, he looks at his feet. He's just not a fly guy!
I tried to mention that I didn't kiss anyone until I was 16, but that didn't go so well, when I forgot the lies I told him before. Dammit. I gotta get those straight. I took a deep breath and pretended again. Then I remembered that when I was 13, I was running around with a boyfriend, kissing him any chance I had. Oh my LORD. Was I? So, I had to call a friend. She confirmed that I was a little slutty-slut (OK, I wasn't cause we never did anything but kiss, but that's what said once when my kid talked about his friend having a girlfriend! SHAME!) and that even worse than kissing around and holding hands throughout 8th grade, he was a PASTOR'S son too, and we did that in the Pastor's Cabin! OH what have I done?
So, I just listened quietly as they talked about girls. And once my emotions were in check (sorta), I was able to hear the trepidation in their voices. "How do I ask her out?" "I don't even know if she likes me that way." "I punched a guy who tried to kiss her when she didn't want to kiss him." "Oh yeah, I've kissed most of the girls in school." (OK, I totally took that one aside and told him in my most terrifying look and voice, "Talk about girls like that again in THIS house and you'll understand why people DON'T.") Thankfully (for both of us) Koy didn't mention much of anything except for the fact that he DID like someone...a lot, until I told him that he and her were cousins.
NOW I feel just horrible. I'm ruining my kids life already. So, I had to explain to him that I just said that cause I didn't want him to be running around with some slutty-slut that I didn't approve of. And he looked at me angrily and said, "Mom, she is NOT A SLUTTY-SLUT. Stop talking about her that way." And I burst into tears.
I am such a horrible mother.
OK, that feeling went away quickly, so I scooped up the emotion I had left and tried to talk to Koy about girls. When I got divorced, I never really thought about who would be talking to him about girls. Certainly not me. I guess this is the same as the single father who has to tell his daughter about her period. Awkward. Then he tells me, "Oh, I talk to Dean all the time mom, you DON'T have to do this."
OH THANK YOU GOD.
Man, I really, REALLY love my husband there.
So, last night I decided I'd tell him the truth. We're not closely related (enough) to anyone in his school to be worried about anything. I use the "cousin" card when I'm scared that I won't be his number one girl. I don't want to be replaced...it was just me and Koy. My son and I for a LOOONG time. He's all I had. I'm all he had...and I was terrified. I cried, laughed, and held onto him. My son. My baby. The little man who made me grow up, even if I didn't want to. The rock that kept me sane, and stable, and alive.
I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was and how great of a kid he's been to me. I could never have asked for a better child. And I'm serious. As I hugged him, and looked into his face, his 13 year old body. Not still a child, not yet a man. Five foot six, a hundred thirty pounds of pure perfect son.
He looked up at me, smiled, rested his head on my shoulder, gazed into my eyes, put his hand on my cheek and my heart started fluttering. I knew he was going to tell me not to worry, he'll always love me. I'll always be the number one woman in his life. He's gonna get straight A's next year....
I choked back my tears as he said to me, "Mom, Can I get a Facebook now? All my friends have it, and I want to see if she'll be my friend on there...?
Go ahead son.